Saturday, April 2, 2011

Not Sure What to Do...

Ever since Holly's husband discovered some things about our relationship, I have been torn about what to do and how to proceed.  I have started writing this post a half dozen times only to be stymied for one reason or another.  I suppose the main reason being that I truly don't know what to do.  This whole experience has been - and continues to be - a VERY trying time for Holly and so, as her friend (I have deeper feelings for her, but I know that at the very least, I am her friend) I cannot simply abandon her during these dark times.  But, selfishly, I've wondered how smart it is for me to continue to talk to her and especially to see her in person.  After the initial discovery, she managed to placate her husband somewhat.  At least to the extent that he longer is calling or texting me.  But I have absolutely no doubt that if she were caught again, it would be disastrous for both her and for me as well.  

I don't want to be overly dramatic here, but I honestly believe that her life as she knows it would be over.  Her family would almost certainly be ripped apart but there could also be dire consequences for her in terms of both her standing with friends and, possibly even damage to her career.  It would also likely be extremely ugly for me, too.  Is it worth the risk?  What, exactly is "it" anyway?  What are "we"?  Are we just a possibility or is it already something more?  I have been searching for answers to these questions and I don't have any real answers.  And I feel bad about that - I feel like I should KNOW, ya know?  I kind of think that Holly knows, and so I feel a bit shitty not for knowing.

As I explained in my last post, we've decided to stop seeing each other, but when I wrote that post, I feared the worst - i.e. that she wanted to cut off all contact.  In some ways, I feel like that would be the best (or, more accurately, I feel like it would be the safest and smartest) course of action for us both.  But...it's not what either of us wants.  We've agreed to keep in touch via email or IM or maybe even the occasional phone chat.  But in deciding to do that, we're not thinking fully logically and rationally and that realization seems at once both sweetly romantic and...kind of alarming. 

What it is this thing between us that makes us willing to take such risks?  Are we just caught up in the warm glow of the "fantasy relationship"?  You know what that is, right?  It's the type of relationship that is not real.  It's the one where she always wears something lacy and skimpy under her clothes, the one where he always remembers to shower and shave before seeing her.  In the fantasy relationship she's ALWAYS "in the mood" and he would never prefer to watch the game over giving her a good, hard, multiple-orgasm-producing pounding.  In the fantasy relationship, you have 100% of the good stuff and 0% of the bad stuff.  In the fantasy relationship, no one forgets to pay a bill or neglects to take the trash out or leaves the cap off the toothpaste.  It's NOT REAL.  And it's so easy to forget that and tell yourself that all this smoking-hot sex and these wonderfully intimate moments will last forever.  It's so easy to think that this grass - this grass right here in my arms in this cheap motel room - really IS greener and that it couldn't possibly turn brown one day and die just like the grass at home.

I love Holly - I know that.  And I know that she loves me too.  But...we've only known each other since Christmas; roughly three months.  We've both expressed these feelings of love to one another but have also been quick to point out that we are not even sure HOW we love each other.  We both recognize that it's maybe not love in the traditional sense of the word (my life has been a mess for so long, I don't even know that I know what it even means to be "in love") but a love nonetheless.  For me, there is true affection and a deep sense of caring for her well being.  Above all - and no matter if I ever get to so much as get to kiss her again - I want her to live a happy and fulfilled life going forward.  I like to think that I make her happy but I have so many questions about how it could ever work out between us.  I think having a "real" relationship with her somewhere down the road is such a longshot that, for the most part, it is unimaginable to me right now. 

But, we're taking a break from the hot sex and the sharing of intimate feelings and I truly hope that doing so will bring some clarity for both of us.  I miss her but I know we're doing the right thing, for now.  But what's the right thing for me (and us) to do down the road?  A big question, I know.  I wish I had a big answer...

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